Thoughts in Winter
by hannahannah
Summary: Hermione thinks about the snow and the hunger that she and Harry face during that long winter that they spend looking for horocruxes. Hermione muses on whether she should have gone with Ron and how to make the best of her choice. ONESHOT, COMPLETE.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

_this whole story takes place on page 317 of HP7... i got tired of reading about Harry's worries,Harry's gripes and Harry's fears... So this is my take on Hermione's thoughts. This is my very first fanfiction( even though I've been reading it for ages) so please,please,please read and review!_

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I'm starving, and the snow is starting to drift down. All around me, branches are being covered in the white flakes that are going to make it even harder to find food than it has been for the past few months.

If it hadn't been for Harry and his quest, I could be back at Hogwarts savoring hot soup and brisket, or quiche and pudding, or lamb and potatoes…. heck, I could have been eating anything other than bread, mushrooms and water.

Well…. maybe it's not fair to blame Harry. I could have left with Ron- I mean, he asked me to but he'd been wearing the Horocrux and I thought he was still under its spell or something and I chose to stay with Harry because we promised and promises are so important and-

I'm not shallow enough.

That's the only answer. I, Hermione Jean Granger, the bookworm of Gryffindor tower and the smartest girl in the entire year, wish that I weren't. Of course, I don't even know if I am still the smartest because I'm wandering through a forest after picking one of my best friends over the other. When the other one is indoors, warm and well-fed. What kind of smarts is that???

I've idolized shallow girls since I entered school. They float through life, never thinking beyond today, and never anything deeper than who's hot or what to wear. They giggle at the slightest thing and they have brains the size of tadpoles. Everyone wants to be them, which only makes the giggle more. Girls like that strut around Hogwarts as though they've got a huge secret, and if I only knew it I would be just like them. No matter what girls like Lavender wear, they look stylish and perfect.

But somehow, even though I've been idolizing them since I was in grammar school, I've never been able to try to be one. You'd think that getting to start a new school at twelve years old would be the best thing ever for a wanna-be, but instead, I turned out to be more of a nerd than my friends at home would have ever guessed.

I don't even have a crush. Heck, every shallow girl has at least two or three and I don't even have one. There's no one that I follow with my eyes as they walk down the hallway, no one who makes me churn up butterflies when they speak to me.

This whole war is being fought over Love. Love's just a more developed way of crushing, really. I don't have anyone. Obviously I want my parents and Harry and Ron and Ginny and Neville and Luna and the Weasleys to come out of the war safely, but I don't love any of them in that way.

I wish Dumbledore were here. I miss the headmaster's twinkling eyes. He always seemed to know everything, and right now, I could use some knowledge. He gave me that cryptic book, but that hasn't been of much help. Harry and I are just wandering through England without any real ideas on where to go next.

Harry's been pretty moody himself lately…Crushes will do that to a person, but I don't think Harry and Ginny have a shallow sort of crush. He's been staring at her name every night for the past month hoping that she realizes that he's thinking about her. I don't know if he's aware that I know that he's given up on Ron and looks for Ginny now, but it is rather obvious. He's got a lovesick expression on his face; and anyways, Ron wouldn't be in the girl's dormitory.

I wish **I **were back in the girl's dormitory. If I weren't a muggle-born, and If I weren't helping Harry, and If Snape wasn't headmaster, and If I weren't on the wanted list, I would love to go back to the library… Even with the books that I brought with us, there's so much more there.

I'd love to climb the stairs in Gryffindor Tower again, and gaze at the scarlet and gold banners that adorn our room. I'd love to eat lavish meals in the Great Hall under a canopy of stars. I'd love to visit Hagrid's hut again, and to stare out at the ripples the wind makes on the lake.

I'd love to write another Potions essay, or decode another Ancient Runes text. I'd even love to laugh with Harry and Ron as they make up more Divination homework.

Maybe that's the love that I can fight for. The love of learning, the love of belonging and of being part of the chain of knowledge. I can support Harry knowing that his victory means that students like me can return to Hogwarts, knowing that his victory means that people like Malfoy won't be so arrogant.

I can help Harry on his quest for Horocruxes merely by boiling mushrooms and making sure he doesn't collapse from starvation. I can swallow my pride for the sake of Hogwarts and her students- and I will.

Tomorrow I will get us food from a supermarket. Tomorrow, we will think again about the clues that Dumbledore left us and the places they might lead us to.

But for today, I will take courage from the fact that a shallow bimbo could not do these things. I am who I am: a muggle-born, a witch, a student and a friend.


End file.
